Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Days of sunglasses (Monday), wearing tank tops and sundresses (yesterday), and finally turning on the air conditioner to take away a bit of humidity because the breeze doesn't go through the windows just right (last night)...
(If only our lives were consisted of days at the park, eating our favorite foods, taking naps...)

I had an upset heart on Sunday, like my heart wasn't right. I tried to explain it to my husband, the rarely-understands-my-confusing-emotions-but-loves-me-anyway-and lets-me-be-me type of guy...I've never explained it this way:
"I feel inadequate." me
"What?!" him
"I mean. I don't feel like I am living up to the responsibility that God has given me as a Christian."
"What do you mean?" him (he rarely asks for more explanation!)
"Why is it so hard to commit to a community service project when my comfort will be upset? Why is it so hard for me to commit to people when I know I will be exhausted? Why do I want you to make the decision about what to tithe for the next year when we could be making that decision together and praying about it together?"
"I guess I can do NOTHING without God, so it's not like I'd be better off giving up..."
(at least I don't have to buy my son clothes...he wore this (yes, pajamas!) 4 out of 5 days last week...the other 1 day he wore his Spiderman swimsuit. He did not wear it yesterday because I finally sneaked it into the wash!)

I know I only feel this way when I'm on side of deflation...I'm not full. I told my friend that I believe she is blessed with singleness because she loves people and genuinely loves them...many of them! What I mean...she is so interested. She asks questions, plans things with people, remembers their stories and experiences, she invests herself in so many people...and it doesn't seem to exhaust her. On the contrary, she gives more...everything she has and is...she gives (she alone will be another blog entry!). She has told me she gets too busy at times or she needs some alone time, but how can someone love so much? Why can't I?(at least i'm not strung up like Monkey)
I do love. I am committed. I do have big ideas. But, something holds me back. Keeps me from giving more...loving too many people...loving too deeply...
(or bat girl!)

God calls us to give, love, serve, invest...
I know I can only be, do, and love the way that God created me to.
But, perhaps our blessings are not what they could be if I were open; heart, mind, arms, hands...

Satisfied with a puddle when we could have a day at the ocean...

I need to get my heart right...I want to see that day...

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