Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I hate blogging without pictures to distract you from my words, but it seems many people were concerned about my latest words...the word "depressed" even came up and so I thought to update. I don't think my word choice of "inadequate" communicated clearly what my heart was feeling. It was not sadness or discontentment that set it off. I have never been a dreamer and sometimes wish I would've been when I was younger. But, I know that I can't change that. The only thing I ever remembered "dreaming" about was becoming a mother and becoming a teacher. I am proud I accomplished my dreams. and happy with where my life is. I love telling my students about my sisters and the dreams they accomplished: becoming a chiropractor, going to the Olympics, moving to the mountains, climbing mountains, traveling to exotic places, moving up the ranks in the military (and not paying for college), never having debt or worrying about finances (Lori)...

middle schoolers are easy to impress with stories like those!

My "inadequate" feeling is not about any of that.

It is a feeling that I wish there was more I could or would do with the life I'm blessed with. Could I give more of my "wealth" away?
Could I visit my gramma more often?
Could I finish the projects around my house...ever?
...without starting a new one?
Could I raise money for a cause without there being a reason?
Could I pray for my neighbors?
Could I like more people?

I can't force anything...when I do, it flops. I'm not worried that I am not doing enough right now because there is very little room on my "plate".

I keep up with my family (ugh! wish I could do more there!)
I spend time with my kids...as much as I can since they are in daycare everyday...
I date my husband.
I talk to the neighbors...and cut down a few trees for the one on crutches.
I try to visit Gramma once a week (sorry about last week Mim-dog!)
I teach...and love...my 150 some kids at school.
If I didn't teach, I sure would miss this...
I dream of projects to make for people...when will I get to do them?

So...no worries. I am just trying to keep my focus so that I don't get caught up in the blur of life and the speed it seems to be at...and ever increasing as I get OLDER!

No regrets...you have to make choices to prevent regrets...I am not saying I wish I could have or should have or would have...yet. I hope I never get to the point that I say that...

Make sense?

If you got this far...know this...all pictures next time! :-)

Thanks for caring...my few who follow!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Days of sunglasses (Monday), wearing tank tops and sundresses (yesterday), and finally turning on the air conditioner to take away a bit of humidity because the breeze doesn't go through the windows just right (last night)...
(If only our lives were consisted of days at the park, eating our favorite foods, taking naps...)

I had an upset heart on Sunday, like my heart wasn't right. I tried to explain it to my husband, the rarely-understands-my-confusing-emotions-but-loves-me-anyway-and lets-me-be-me type of guy...I've never explained it this way:
"I feel inadequate." me
"What?!" him
"I mean. I don't feel like I am living up to the responsibility that God has given me as a Christian."
"What do you mean?" him (he rarely asks for more explanation!)
"Why is it so hard to commit to a community service project when my comfort will be upset? Why is it so hard for me to commit to people when I know I will be exhausted? Why do I want you to make the decision about what to tithe for the next year when we could be making that decision together and praying about it together?"
"I guess I can do NOTHING without God, so it's not like I'd be better off giving up..."
(at least I don't have to buy my son clothes...he wore this (yes, pajamas!) 4 out of 5 days last week...the other 1 day he wore his Spiderman swimsuit. He did not wear it yesterday because I finally sneaked it into the wash!)

I know I only feel this way when I'm on side of deflation...I'm not full. I told my friend that I believe she is blessed with singleness because she loves people and genuinely loves them...many of them! What I mean...she is so interested. She asks questions, plans things with people, remembers their stories and experiences, she invests herself in so many people...and it doesn't seem to exhaust her. On the contrary, she gives more...everything she has and is...she gives (she alone will be another blog entry!). She has told me she gets too busy at times or she needs some alone time, but how can someone love so much? Why can't I?(at least i'm not strung up like Monkey)
I do love. I am committed. I do have big ideas. But, something holds me back. Keeps me from giving more...loving too many people...loving too deeply...
(or bat girl!)

God calls us to give, love, serve, invest...
I know I can only be, do, and love the way that God created me to.
But, perhaps our blessings are not what they could be if I were open; heart, mind, arms, hands...

Satisfied with a puddle when we could have a day at the ocean...

I need to get my heart right...I want to see that day...

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Cell Phones!
My camera may not always be handy, but my cell phone seems to be in the same room as me...usually! Therefore, I get lots of fun pics on my phone to share here.Love can never run on auto-pilot, cruise control, with a parachute.
Just like everything else, love was created by God. He gives us the grace...and the ability to love. Fruit comes to be on a tree that is planted, nurtured, loved, and cared for. The fruit of the Spirit are blessings in us as we allow God to live in us and through us. Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self-Control...
I was telling my mother-in-law the other day that I've never needed scientific proof of God, Jesus death and Resurrection, or even of the infallibility of the Bible. I don't want to believe anything else. And, it is so easy for me to accept because God has always been so real to me. I see His provision, His mercy, His Fruit...in my life. When I don't pray, this all becomes harder, yes.
Three things I wish I had more time for: spending time studying & reading, blogging, and exercising. With the few minutes before the kids wake (if I wake up earlier than them and am not sacrificing much-needed sleep) I can find a few moments to do one of those three...or, if I have the energy to get into one of these three after they go to bed, then I have a few moments. However, I admit it: I love relaxing with my latest STAR magazine or watching Glee, American Idol, 90210, or some other mindless entertainment! :-)
But I will say that tonight I have been blessed: I took an hour to do a class at the club; picked up Gabby and took her to the store where she giggled the whole time; ate a few slices of pizza (at least one night a week I give up on cooking a "healthy" meal); and played, giggled, tickled, and squeezed my little munchkin. I think she is even learning to "smile" in pictures.
(Don't ask me why there is a vein popping out of my forehead-just look at that little grin!)

I am now blogging and doing a bit of reading. I did turn on the TV, but realized that the one show I would watch would scare me too much (CSI) so I turned it off and am doing something edifying instead!
But also...I have given in! I started Twilight...
I know...I know...
I was given the book a year ago to start, but I have this aversion to sappy, unrealistic love stories that make teenage girls think or wish it were reality. I say I am passed the age of thinking it is reality, but am I going to wish any part of it were reality?
Am I going to be "mushed" to death????
I will admit...I am already sucked in. Not even a 1/4 of the way and I can't wait to crawl into bed and read. :-)
If you've read this and have not been distracted by the way my children play, sleep, or dress...you may have caught a bit of contradiction in my ponderings. The site is telling me to check the spelling of that word so I am guessing it is not a word...even though you know exactly what I am talking about.
Contradictions...do you see them? does anyone care? do I?
Why is it so hard (resting on a feeling of "not necessary") to see the contradiction that I live daily?

Diagnosis: hardness of my heart...I know this because all those fruit have not been totally evident in my life...peace? patience?
How can my beliefs be so strong but my convictions be so weak?


Monday, May 03, 2010

What are the factors of a long life?
We don't get to choose the Family we are born into...
What is love anyway? How old are we when we actually understand who we really love?
when such a little girl acts like such a big girl, why is it so refreshing...and silly at times?
My gramma just informed me that they didn't have pacifiers when she had her 5 kids.
So, are they a blessing?...ask any parent whose child never took it...
(owen didn't, gabby does (obviously)...love it!...ask me in a year if it is still a blessing)
Affection? Happiness?
Do we have to be happy to live long?

What are the factors of a long life? ? ? ? warmth of a pink fuzzy blanket? a boy making silly faces?
being special...even if that means just being born a boy into a family of all girls...blessing are around every corner!
the things we are taught...Auntie Lori would be proud!

I do have more to say, but the day is calling me...will write more later of these blessings...
and perhaps I will share a burden or two...